It’s not just the information we take, but also the interpretation, the perception, the focus of how we deal with the information. The interpretation matters very often a lot more as we’ll see than the information that goes in. Happiness is much more contingent on our state of mind than our status or the state of our bank account.
Question very often creates reality. Instead of asking why there are so many problems and negative things, we do also need to ask the positive question.
What is working? What makes people stay positive even though they went through tough things.We can hardly change the environment or the people around us, but we could improve our psychological immune system, the resilience and recovery ability.
Permission to be human. Painful emotions are as part of human nature. We may think there is something wrong if we experience these emotions. First for the most when we face ourselves, we have the permission to be human, as well as having the safe space with our closest family and friends. We actively accept our emotion, think about what we can’t change, and what we can change. Nothing good or bad to experience bad emotions, but how do I decide to behave as the result of the emotion, I have the responsibility to choose what to do.
在满足了基本的物质需求之后，财富对幸福的水平影响很小。而幸福的开始，在于是否真正能无条件的接受自己，并在接受自己的瑕疵之后重新成长。
The optimal way of spreading happiness is to work in your own happiness. Be the change you wanna see in the world.
Learn to fail, or fail to learn, there is no other way to succeed. No short cuts.
这个世界没有什么捷径，我们只能学习失败，或从失败中学习。
Emerson: “To different minds the same world is a hell and a heaven”.Event leads to evaluation(a thought about the event), thought evokes an emotion, emotion leads motion.
The power of our evaluation, and how that can determine or even ruin what should have been a celebration. But once we recognize it, once we understand it, we can dispute it. We can challenge it. We can reframe it and see the positive as well.The key here is to get real. First of all, is my conclusion tied to the reality? Second is it rational? Am I ignoring something important? Open the vision, what am I magnifying or minimising? Finally let me zoom out, what is the big picture? Be real and correct the distortion. It’s not easy, it takes practice and hard-work, but it’s worth it.
逆境还是机遇，如何看待逆境跟认知有关，而认知有时候是荒谬的，是需要重新建立的，接近和尊重事实，改变自己，在逆境中看到机遇。
If we appreciate the good, the good grow; It’s not saying we ignore the things that not working. But focus on the potential, appreciate what is working. If we don’t appreciate the good, if we take it for granted, it depreciates.
真诚的感激可以滋养彼此，而选择忽略或贬低生活中值得感激的部分，它们就会慢慢枯萎凋谢。他们
Cicero: “ Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
Become a benefit finder, take gratitude exercise regularly mindfully. It creates an upwards spiral within yourself and in between self and people around you.Our Thought pattern follows certain paths, just like river. The neural path grows, it’s self-reinforcing. This is what habits are, the more we do it, the path grooved in our brain. Change is hard, but it’s possible. Changing who you are inside, introducing new habits, good channels in brain. Step and step, little by little, there is no quick fix.
我们从小建立的思维模式是可以改变的，是可以更贴近现实的，但这种改变不容易，它需要时间也需要耕耘。三岁看老是个坊间名言，这并不说明人不能改变，只能说明人改变的过程非常困难，很多人放弃了。
If we appreciate the good, the good grow; It’s not saying we ignore the things that not working. But focus on the potential, appreciate what is working. If we don’t appreciate the good, if we take it for granted, it depreciates.
真诚的感激可以滋养彼此，而选择忽略或贬低生活中值得感激的部分，它们就会慢慢枯萎凋谢。
Creating new ritual need self-discipline, while once we created the ritual, it become something automatic. It’s hard during this creating time, it takes time and effort. Dalai Lama: ”There isn’t anything that isn’t made easier through constant familiarity and training. Through training we can change; we can transform ourselves.”
发展人与人之间健康的关系，比起得到认可，更重要的是被了解，我们不需要变得完美只为了证明什么，而需要被当成一个人来了解。
Change is not easy, it’s hard, it takes time. However it doesn’t mean that the process cannot be enjoyable. The process itself is sometimes difficult but potentially very rewarding. Goals are means toward the present end. The key is to learn to enjoy the process, that’s the base level of our happiness, the here and now.
幸福并不是登上高峰的那一刻，也不是在山的四周没有方向地乱爬，幸福是向山峰攀登的过程。它与设定目标有关，与设定一个终点有关，然后释放自己，享受过程。设定目标，然后全心投入。能有实现自我和谐的目标，目标可大可小，而更重要的是全心的投入，因为只有投入了，才能享受这个过程。 实现自我和谐是非常困难的，要求精准的自我觉知能力，还有抵抗社会压力的能力，那种压力有时会把人迫往错误的方向。 先实现一个小目标，把这套课程和每课一画坚持完，它们符合我的兴趣和价值，我也已经投入其中。
“What am I about?
What am I doing?
Why am I here?”
When we know where our path is, when we have a self-concordant goal, it helps to solve internal conflicts, because it takes our mind away from those existential questions.A self-concordant goal go hand in hand with a self-concordant journey, when they go together, we are more likely to experience a complete experience of happiness, of fulfilment.
自我和谐的目标，明确而具体的目标，它给予我们能量，动力和自由。达成目标必然有压力，而压力不是坏事，却需要我们懂得休息，持续一个速度跑不休息，会让我们精疲力竭。而短期的冲刺，配合合理的休息更有利于我们保持动力。
Quantity affects quality, do the things we really want and focus on it. Too much of good things can be distractive, which may not be a good thing.
常常力求完美，追逐越来越高的目标，并习惯性的谴责和压迫自己，认为这样才能成功，而成功了才能快乐。老师在完成自己获得以色列壁球总冠军后才发现自己还是不快乐，需要向内寻找出路。 脱离完美主义并不是放弃梦想和野心，而是改变对失败的态度。研究发现成功的人，有毅力坚持下来的人，都平均经历过5次失败。在小婴儿的时候，为了学会走路，不断的尝试，也并不感到羞愧。可长大之后，却因为很多因素，可能是别人的眼光，失败的失落，害怕展示自己的弱点，放弃了尝试，也放弃了学习失败。接受自己会失败，从失败中学习，再尝试。慢慢培养自己对待失败的态度。当然还要懂得休息
What does it mean by perfectionism?
Tal defined it as: “An incapacitating fear of failure that permeates our lives, especially those areas that we care about most. An incapacitating fear of failure is the fear that is debilitating us, that stop us, that prevents us from coping, from trying, from putting ourselves on the line.”There is no straight line towards success, or towards happy relationship. We make mistakes, that does not mean we enjoy failure, but we know that failure is necessary, it gives us the opportunity to learn and grow from it.
自尊的第一个基础就是自我接受，而完美主义者是不接受自我的。第二个伤害自尊的原因是，完美主义者总会遇到长期且不可避免的失败，因为根本就没有完美的人，而如果我一直失败或视自己为失败者，当然会贬低自尊。同时完美主义者更害怕尝试，因为不尝试就不会失败，而缺乏行动的结果就是更低的自尊。自我的提升不是一条直线，而是旋转向上的。对待孩子上，只给孩子针对结果和天赋的赞美或贬低，长久来说会让孩子形成完美主义的思维模式，因为只有完美了才配得赞美，达不到完美就一文不值，这拿走了孩子敢于挑战的动力，与其冒着失败的风险，不如不做，就不会犯错。与其赞美天赋，我们更可以赞美努力的过程。心理学家Carol Dweck总结道：“重视努力让孩子拥有一个他自己能掌握的变量，这能让他们认为自己能掌握自己的成功，强调自然的天赋，让孩子无法掌握成功，这不会给孩子提供面对失败的方法”
Our mind and body are closely related. How can we ask the mind and the body to help each other to launch a virtuous cycle between the two. Here is the wonder drug:
per week:
30 minutes exercise x4
15 minutes of mindfulness x6 - 7
8h of sleep x7per day
12 hugs-unlimited
别完美主义和卓越主义的一个点，是我们在努力的过程中，是享受过程，还是在为了结果咬牙坚持。放弃完美主义不是放弃追求和野心。而改变的开始就是接受它。 什么是心理成熟？老师经过几年的修改总结：心理成熟，就是根据自己的意愿主动转换看待事物角度的能力。（psychological maturity is about the ability to willingly shift perspective ）
转换角度的能力是什么？就是我们可以沉浸在当下，同时也愿意在时间和空间上都退一步，在外部重新审视。这种来回切换的灵活度，可以打开我们的眼光。 疫情把大家都困在家，我们的身体和心理是密切相关的。这节课还分享了让生活充满活力的鸡尾酒配方：
1. 30分钟锻炼，每周4次
2. 15分钟冥想，每周6-7次
3. 每天8小时左右睡眠
4. 每天至少12个拥抱，这个可以无限增加
We know there are things we need to do to make ourself better, but there are subconscious barrier. Part of self-esteem is the notion that we are worthy of happiness. But we often have this voice, the subconscious level that:”We are not really worthy of happiness.” That stops us from becoming happier, stop us from doing the things helping us being better.A best thing to do is to just do it. Not analyse it too much. Just go ahead and do the things, like exercise, meditation, passionate projects and so on.
运动和冥想是我们增强心理免疫力的良药，创建运动和冥想的习惯，一旦养成习惯，我们就不需要毅力来维持，但创建习惯的过程需要毅力，需要坚持，也要经历时间和失败的过程。另外当我们脑内已经存在一些认知习惯，它们强大到带入我们走进低落或抑郁而不自知。与其想着分析，对抗，消灭它，不如观察它，接受它，并且开展建立新的认知习惯。我们习惯了分析和解决问题，而我们体内有它的智慧，会帮助我们自愈。过程当然不易，而这个过程也着实宝贵。
Sleep should be seen as an investment rather than wasting time.In our modern life, we are so busy with so many things. Sleep maybe the first thing we want to sacrifice. However, sleep should be seen as an investment. Enough sleep is very important in various aspects: physical immune system, energy level, weight management, creativity, productivity as well as memory. Take care of sleep, and it will reward you.
现代生活节奏越来越快，压力和诱惑也越来越多，睡眠是我们最容易放弃的。把睡眠看成一种投资，而不是对时间的消耗。睡眠可以帮助我们处理大脑里很多白天经历的事情，投资睡眠就是在投资我们的修复过程。这也是为什么女性很容易产后抑郁，因为照顾初生婴儿真的休息不好。另外友好身体接触也是安全感的来源，封城在家，家人可以多多拥抱，我们的身体和心理都很需要
In relationships, shift the desire of being known rather than being validated has literally transformed my life.By study the happier people, they are not someone who don’t experience difficulties, anxiety, stress or depression, they experience all these at times, but they recover more promptly. One of the reasons why they can do that is because they have thriving personal/interpersonal relationships. Deeper levels of intimacy, that means we need to open up and share, it’s risky and scary most of time, however this is the way to cultivate a healthy relationship. Being known rather than being validated.
如何让爱情天长地久，这真是个好问题。我们常认为恋爱中的心动和激情是爱情，却不知那只是开始，当光环退去，如何创建更深入的关系，更多的去了解和被了解，才是真爱产生的时候。爱在生活的细节中，在于事无巨细地了解与被了解。
Self-esteem is the foundation, the root of our emotion and behaviour. Self-esteem is critical. It needs to be founded in reality, in actual practices and hard work.
自尊首先自尊不是空洞的心理强化能够产生的，不切实际的表扬赞赏从长远来看，会损害自尊。自尊必须与伪自尊区分开来，与那些虚假的自我尊重和脱离现实的自恋区分开。健康的心理是要联系现实的。什么是自尊，自尊存在于真实的行动，真实的成功和实践中，它是努力的产物。提高自尊也是一生的功课。
“在朋友身上，我寻找的不是盲目的让步，对我千依百顺的人，我寻找的是一个美丽的敌人，一个能挑战我敦促我，帮助我寻求真相的人”
People who have high independent self-esteem pursue their passions, people who pursue their passions enjoy higher levels of self-esteem. So how would we find our passion?
By asking the right questions:
“Where do you experience flow?
Where do you lose yourself?
What kind of life do you want to lead?”
自尊与自我实现
自我实现可以滋养自尊，而被自我实现滋养的独立自尊又能反过来促进自我实现，这是一个正向的循环。可如何找到自我想实现的东西？自我在哪里？老师给了一个很好的练习：假设你中了一个无名咒语，
从现在起在你的余生里，
没有人会知道你在做什么，
除了你自己，
没有人知道你有多好，你有多宽厚多仁慈，
除了你自己，没有人知道你有多富有多强大，多重要。
只有你自己知道你的成就，
只有你知道你有多好的操守，道德和性格。
在这样的一个世界里，你中了无名咒语，你会怎么做？这个练习并不是要我们在现实生活中那样生活，但它能磨练我们，在抛开赞扬和声望的情况下，我们会怎么做？
This is the last class for this course. What I learn from the course is just the beginning, there are lots of changes needs to be done later, and the core of change is introduce behaviour change.Take care of myself from the deep foundation, and be the change that I want to see in the world. It takes time and effort. In the mean time, sharing my change, sharing what I did, sharing my failure, expressing myself rather than impressing.Sharing is bring the light from deep inside to world, as the most personal is also the most general.😃
收获和分享
这也是课程的最后一节课，主要是在总结和分享，很多学生也分享了自己得着，反思，对生活的改变。老师提到一句话 “what is the most personal, is the most general”。意思就是每个人都在经历一些难以向外界展示的事情，但这些事情也多数都是相类似相通的，因为人性是相通的。分享经历，让别人了解自己，而不是一味的铸造防线来掩饰和装点自己。当然每个人都有自己的方式，也都有自己愿意卸下盔甲的亲密关系，这也是我们可以真正做自己，练习表达自我的地方。好好经营这样的地方，也能帮助我们找到自我，并且散发自己真正的能量。
